The Ministry of SUITs by Paul Gamble

Author:Paul Gamble
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781250086822
Publisher: Feiwel & Friends

* * *

MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

SNAKES

HEARING DIFFICULTIES

Snakes don’t have ears and therefore can’t hear. They can sense vibrations, but that isn’t really the same thing. Some scientists claim that it is, but it’s about as similar as sitting on a washing machine during the spin cycle would be to listening to a world-class philharmonic orchestra.

People often claim that rattlesnakes use their rattle to scare people off. However, the fact that snakes can’t hear clearly means that they have no idea that they’re even doing it.

This was proven by a Ministry scientist years ago, who managed to use a thought-transference device to speak to a rattlesnake. Although the snake could not actually use words, computer software interpreted its thoughts so that they could be relayed through a computer screen:

Scientist: SO WHEN YOU RATTLE YOUR TAIL, YOU’RE TRYING TO SCARE PEOPLE OFF?

Snake: WHAT?

Scientist: IF YOU SEE A HUMAN OR SOMETHING, YOU GET AGGRESSIVE AND RATTLE YOUR TAIL TO THREATEN THEM.

Snake: MY TAIL RATTLES? I NEVER KNEW THAT. THAT’S A BIT ODD. I WONDER WHY IT DOES THAT?

Scientist: BUT THEN WHY DO YOU SHAKE IT WHEN A HUMAN FINDS YOU?

Snake: I DON’T DO IT DELIBERATELY. I’M JUST SCARED OF HUMANS. SO WHEN I SEE ONE I START TO SHIVER AND TREMBLE. THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT CAUSES THE RATTLING SOUND. IT’S ALL BEEN A BIT OF A MISUNDERSTANDING.

Scientist: YES. JUST OUT OF INTEREST, WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF HUMANS?

Snake: BECAUSE THEY KILLED ALL THE REST OF MY FAMILY AND TURNED THEM INTO SHOES AND HANDBAGS.

Scientist: ACTUALLY, NOW THAT YOU SAY THAT, I COULD DO WITH A NEW PAIR OF LOAFERS.

The scientist who invented the system for interpreting animals’ thoughts as words was clearly a genius. Although it is interesting to note that although he had an IQ of over 200, he still hadn’t figured out how to switch off the caps lock function on his keyboard.

Unfortunately the technology to speak to animals no longer exists. This is made worse by the fact that the scientist who created it is no longer around to reinvent it. Shortly after finishing the above conversation he died of sixteen snakebites to the face.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.